Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
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Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.