– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*![]()
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Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
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The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Lassie, get help!
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I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”