– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
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Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.