It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
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When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.