COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
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“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Scream sneezers need love too.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
british sex workers really pound for pound
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
excuse me
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.