i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
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FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.