When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
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Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
new shirt idea
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.