*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
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Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
smartest karate player in the world
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”