My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
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“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.