“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
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Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.