My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
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my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.