Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
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Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular