Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
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Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Cha-ching is my safe word
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.