My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
You Might Also Like
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
*aggressively waits in line*
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Hank is one in a melon.
secret recipe
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
The 4 stages of a family vacation
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.