“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
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After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.