@JohnHilsen

Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.

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@Alex_but_online

Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store

Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.

@simoncholland

Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.

@DanDoofus

Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.

@pauleggleston

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.

@mydmac

I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.

That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.

Not just when he sees me naked.

@StarWarsProblms

Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?

Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.

Emperor: That sounds plausible.

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?

Me: You were born 3 years later.

4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*

@JohnLyonTweets

Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake

@Book_Krazy

Hub: Still mad?

Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill

H: To fetch a pail of water

M: Jack fell down & died a violent death

Hub: Ok, still mad