boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
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if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.