“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
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it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob