If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
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I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear