Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
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If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer