“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
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me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.