bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
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me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
saw this in a dream
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.