Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
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*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.