The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
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I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Your honor these allegations are
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Sharon I have some bad news
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
🤣dope
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”