She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
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I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish