my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
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Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Every BBC series about the universe.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
This kid will have a bright future.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.