All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
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dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
I can fix him.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long