One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
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Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Has science gone too far?
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.