This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
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I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time