I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
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If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
me and who
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.