Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
You Might Also Like
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.