[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
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Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.