“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
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I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.