If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
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Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking