me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
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After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Autocarrot sucks!
no one likes gloating
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough