@FredTaming

we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool

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@LostCatDog

Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew

@heidi420x

Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing

@ElizaBayne

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease

@Kyle_Lippert

Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.

@

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

@KalvinMacleod

My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.

@UncleDuke1969

Government Shutdown: Day 4

3am: Monkey House, National Zoo

A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.

Ben Stiller escapes into the night.