Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
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3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.
We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen