we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
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A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
selfie game
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
😲 WTF? 😆
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.