Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
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If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler