To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
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That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.