when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
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every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh