wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*![]()
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nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.