wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
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[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.