That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
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Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
🚲+physics = winner
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.