How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
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ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.