Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
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DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
the greatest twitter interaction
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.