Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
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Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right