Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.

I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!

But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.

[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]

You OK?

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.

Three things that are certain in life~

1) Death

2) Paying taxes

3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….

Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!

– squirrels

Common sense: Walk away.

Me: No.

[hospital]

Me: how is he?

Her: he’s in the burn ward

Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks

If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.

You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.

Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.

Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode

Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.

Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!

“I miss my label mates.”

“You’re a recording artist?”

“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”

How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.

[commercial for boiling water]

*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*

castle guard: there must be a better way!

Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?

(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…

I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.

I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.

ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee

BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*

They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.

Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering

It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.

The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.

[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]

So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know

[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING

ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones

CORONER: no