TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
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“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.