TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
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Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Three things that are certain in life~
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones