Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
You Might Also Like
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Would you wear it?
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting