I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
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Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Hitlers gonna hitl
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.