Hitlers gonna hitl
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“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.