Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Hitlers gonna hitl
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me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one
me: i see
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.