Hitlers gonna hitl

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me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one

duck: quick!
me: i see


I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand


[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.


I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.


Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Paperwork and shit

Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone

Me: I said “and shit”


VAMPIRE: ur making this weird

ME: my neck is ticklish!


The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.


Wife: You’re really on a roll today.

Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.