Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
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I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor