Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
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“What movie?” 🤔
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.