“What movie?” 🤔
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I’m about to risk it all
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Cat is stressing him out.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably