People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
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“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no